When I Loved Someone the Wrong Way

There was a season in my life when I was in a relationship, and I gave everything I had. I showed up every single day. I prayed. I tried to point us both toward Jesus. I answered every call, sat with every hard moment and did my best to be what was needed.

And I was slowly losing myself. I just didn't know it at the time. 

Looking back, I can see clearly what I couldn't see then: there were no real boundaries. And without them, I didn't just feel drained. I started disappearing.

When You Become Someone's Jesus

There are relationships in which one person carries everything, and the other person lets them. Every problem, every crisis, every hard feeling gets handed over. And if you're a caring person with a big heart and a faith that says to serve others, you'll pick it all up without even thinking twice.

That was me. I would pray, listen for hours and wanted things to improve. But after a while, I noticed nothing was shifting. I had become the source instead of pointing to the real one. I had quietly stepped into a role I was never meant to be in.

Jesus said it himself: “I am the way, the truth and the life.” That is not a small statement. He's the source. Not me, not you, not any person we let carry us. Only Him. And if I had really believed that, I would have pointed there instead of trying to be there.

What is interesting is that even Jesus, the actual source, knew when to step away and recharge. Luke 5:16 tells us He would often slip away to quiet places to pray. Mark 6:31 shows Him telling His disciples, “Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while.” 

The Son of God built rest and withdrawal into His rhythm. He was not available to everyone at all times, and He was perfect. So, why did I think I had to be?

What made it harder was that I couldn't always say what was affecting me. Honesty felt dangerous. Certain things were off-limits because they might cause a reaction, and so I just kept quiet and kept carrying it. I walked on eggshells and called it love.

I kept telling myself that laying down your life for someone is what love looks like, and it is. However, there is a difference between choosing to sacrifice for someone and slowly losing yourself because no one ever taught you it was okay to say no.

The Moment I Hit the Wall

I got really sick. I'm talking, can't-get-out-of-bed, body-shutting-down sick. I had an anxiety attack. I couldn't eat for three days.

And the demands still didn't stop.

Even at my lowest, I felt the pull to keep showing up, keep serving, keep being enough. I was physically falling apart and still felt guilty for not doing more. My family had seen the pattern for a while. They wanted me to do something about it. But I wasn't ready to listen yet.

When I finally walked away, the relief was immediate—same day. I could eat again. I could breathe again. The weight lifted so fast that I almost couldn't believe how heavy it had been.

That was the moment I understood: the absence of boundaries doesn't make you more loving. It makes you less of yourself.

What Boundaries Actually Are

I think a lot of us, especially Christians, have a complicated relationship with the word boundaries. It sounds cold. It sounds like you're protecting yourself instead of serving others. It can feel like the opposite of love.

But here is what I have learned: boundaries aren't walls. They're not about keeping people out. They're about defining how you can keep showing up, for others and for yourself, without running empty.

Even Jesus withdrew. Luke 5:16 tells us He would often slip away to quiet places to pray. The Son of God, fully human, fully present, and He still protected His capacity. If Jesus needed that, so do we.

Proverbs 4:23 says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." That's not a suggestion to be selfish. Instead, it's a command to steward what God has given you.

Three Boundaries Worth Protecting

Here's what I wish I had known and protected earlier:

1. Your emotional bandwidth. You can care deeply about someone's pain without absorbing it. You can listen, pray and point people to Jesus, but you aren't their therapist, their savior or their only source. When a relationship is consistently one-sided, and nothing ever flows back to you, that is worth paying attention to.

2. Your voice. If you are in a relationship where you cannot say what is actually affecting you, and where honesty gets met with guilt or silence, that's not love. That is control. Matthew 5:37 says, "Let your yes be yes and your no be no." Your words matter. Your feelings matter. You should be able to speak.

3. Your time with God and family. Any relationship that consistently pulls you away from the Lord and from the people who knew you before they did should raise a flag. Isolation is one of the oldest tricks in the enemy's playbook.

What I'm Looking For Now

I don't want to be anyone's Jesus. I want to be someone's partner in pursuing Jesus.

What I want, what I believe God has for me, is someone who already has her own relationship with Him. Not someone I have to drag to the Lord, but someone I get to run alongside. Two people who sharpen each other, serve each other, and get closer to Jesus together. That is the vision.

And knowing that vision clearly? That is actually a boundary too. Knowing what you won't compromise isn't arrogance. It's wisdom.

The Hard and Hopeful Truth

Setting boundaries is uncomfortable. Some people won't like it. Some will call you selfish. Some will pull away. And that will hurt.

However, here is what I've found on the other side: the right people respect it. Healthy boundaries don't push good people away. They filter for them. They create space for life-giving relationships instead of life-draining ones.

Healing typically begins when we stop holding onto what is breaking us.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." - Proverbs 4:23

Photo Credit: Thinkstock/jacoblund

Reflection Questions for the Week

1. Is there a relationship in my life right now where I have been saying yes when I need to say no?

2. What fear is making it hard to set that boundary? Rejection, conflict or the loneliness of being misunderstood?

3. What would it look like to love that person well and protect my peace at the same time?

4. Am I looking for someone to need me, or someone to grow with me?

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Joe Navarro, known online as @joechristianguy, is a Christian content creator, entrepreneur, and cultural voice passionate about making faith approachable and impactful for the next generation. With over 4.5 million combined followers across TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube, Joe delivers bold, Gospel-centered truth through a mix of daily encouragement, short-form teachings, comedic skits, and authentic life experiences. His unique blend of theology, humor, and clarity has created space for millions of young believers and skeptics alike to engage with Scripture and real conversations about following Jesus in a digital world. In 2023, he co-created the popular card game Discernment alongside Jacob and Julia Petersen, which is now available in major retailers like Amazon, Walmart, Museum of the Bible, and Mardel. He also holds a degree in Agricultural Economics with a minor in Sales from Texas A&M.