Your Hope-Filled Perspective with Dr. Michelle Bengtson podcast

Dr. Michelle Bengtson

229 When Someone Hurts You Emotionally

August 31, 2023 ● 41 min

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Episode Summary:

Everyone knows the sting of physical pain whether it’s a broken arm, a toothache, or a torn ligament. Recently we’ve discussed physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual pain. Perhaps less discussed is Secondary Pain: pain that comes from the words or actions of others, that makes us feel worse when we are already experiencing one of the other types of pain. Join me with my husband, Scott Bengtson, for a discussion on what to do when someone hurts you emotionally.

Quotables from the episode:

Secondary pain is that painful experience caused by the words or actions of others, either intentional or unintentional, that worsens the pain we already fight.
Frequently secondary pain comes in the form of blame or criticism, even if well-intentioned.
People often mean well and are well-intentioned and don’t realize how what they say or do will be received by the pain sufferer.
Secondary pain often results from comments that minimize or shame the pain sufferer such as, “This too shall end,” “Others have it worse than you,” or “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
These suggestions that are offered as a panacea for our pain or as a glib dismissal are received in a way that makes the pain sufferer feel inept, incompetent, and guilty.
Any consideration of secondary pain must include those instances where others say or do nothing, even if their heart is to avoid saying or doing the wrong thing, because that makes the one enduring pain feel unseen, unloved, and uncared for.
We choose whether or not to pick up an offense.
Especially since we’re talking about being hurt when we are already dealing with pain, forgiveness is crucial in order to avoid complicating our pain.
Assume the best, but forgive nonetheless.
God reminds us in Romans 12 to never avenge ourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, because vengeance is his.

Scripture References:

Romans 12:17-18 Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
Matthew 5:44 “But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you”
Romans 12:21 “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

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