"Well, we'll not risk another frontal assault. That rabbit's dynamite."
King Arthur, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"




"And now for something completely different: a man with a tape recorder up his brother's nose."
Announcer, "Monty Python's Flying Circus"





[after slicing one of the Black Knight's arms off]
King Arthur: "Now stand aside, worthy adversary."
Black Knight: "'Tis but a scratch."
King Arthur: "A scratch? Your arm's off."
Black Knight: "No it isn't."
King Arthur: "What's that, then?"
Black Knight: "[after a pause] I've had worse."
King Arthur: "You liar."
Black Knight: "Come on ya pansy."

[King Arthur has just cut the Black Knight's last leg off]
Black Knight: "Okay, we'll call it a draw."
King Arthur: [Preparing to leave] "Come, Patsy."
[King Arthur and Patsy ride off]
Black Knight: [calling after King Arthur] "Oh! Had enough, eh? Come back and take what's coming to you, you yellow! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!"






Sir Bedevere: "There are ways of telling whether she is a witch."
Peasant 1: "Are there? Oh well, tell us."
Sir Bedevere: "Tell me. What do you do with witches?"
Peasant 1: "Burn them."
Sir Bedevere: "And what do you burn, apart from witches?"
Peasant 1: "More witches."
Peasant 2: "Wood."
Sir Bedevere: "Good. Now, why do witches burn?"
Peasant 3: "...because they're made of... wood?"
Sir Bedevere: "Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?"
Peasant 1: "Build a bridge out of her."
Sir Bedevere: "But can you not also build bridges out of stone?"
Peasant 1: "Oh yeah."
Sir Bedevere: "Does wood sink in water?"
Peasant 1: "No, no, it floats!... It floats! Throw her into the pond!"
Sir Bedevere: "No, no. What else floats in water?"
Peasant 1: "Bread."
Peasant 2: "Apples."
Peasant 3: "Very small rocks."
Peasant 1: "Cider."
Peasant 2: "Gravy."
Peasant 3: "Cherries."
Peasant 1: "Mud."
Peasant 2: "Churches."
Peasant 3: "Lead! Lead!"
King Arthur: "A Duck."
Sir Bedevere: "...Exactly. So, logically..."
Peasant 1: "If she weighed the same as a duck... she's made of wood."
Sir Bedevere: "And therefore..."
Peasant 2: "...A witch!"


King of Swamp Castle: "You only killed the bride's father, you know."
Sir Lancelot: "Well, I didn't mean to."
King of Swamp Castle: "Didn't mean to? You put your sword right through his head."
Sir Lancelot: "Oh dear... is he all right?"