Tim Conway stars in this classic James Bond skit from The Carol Burnett Show, episode 21 of season 5. Since 1962, 7 actors have portrayed James Bond on the big screen, and at least one has appeared on television as James Bond. 

Among the distinguished group of actors are Roger Moore, Daniel Craig, Sean Connery, and David Niven, not in that order. But, perhaps no one did Bond (a.k.a. “Blond” in this sketch) like Tim Conway!

Lyle Waggoner introduces the sketch as an episode of Midnight Theater—an “exciting, super spy adventure” featuring James Blond and complete with sex, brutality, nudity, violence, and double-crossing. He jokes, unknowingly, that there is something for the entire family at a time when television viewing was far more family-friendly than it is today.

The skit begins in a glamorous, gold gilt room with a gorgeous woman in a jumpsuit. The woman is played by singer Eydie Gormé, who guest stars on the episode. She and another beauty fawn and fight over the debonair James Blond, but he pauses between kisses to kill two would-be assassins with a lamp and a telephone. It’s pure silliness at the expense of the real, fictional James Bond, but it’s a lot of fun!

Blond’s contact enters, and he’s got the latest case. An “evil mastermind” is terrorizing the entire world, threatening to bomb major cities if he’s not given $3 million dollars. His name is Dr. Nose, and he is clearly a cartoony version of Dr. Julius No, a rival character of James Bond. The writing of the sketch is so clever!

Now armed with a finger gun, he is visited by Dr. Nose’s right-hand woman, Passion Plenty! After sharing a glass of brandy and comparing their sex appeal, the two agree to fight it out via a kissing battle. Carol Burnett, as Passion Plenty, shows off her thin, pretty legs in her golden hotpants!     

Blond gets the better of Passion Plenty, kissing her into submission but left smiling before he heads off to Dr. Nose’s laboratory. And, it gets even zanier! Inside the lab, there are four big-haired and blingy beauties and the unmistakable Dr. Nose.

There are nose puns, plastic lips for warding off Blond’s charms, and an attempt on Blond’s life. In the end, Passion Plenty rescues him from death, but, unfortunately, James Blond is a bit of a clumsy dope. Watch and see for yourself!

The world may be full of real villains, crazy weapons, and deadly schemes, but it sure is nice to enjoy the innocent humor that was the norm of decades past. Without insult or malice, profanity, or anything inappropriate, the humor that Carol Burnett and crew, along with others of that time, served up was truly among the best!    

“a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,” Ecclesiastes 3:4