Finding RefugeWhat does it mean for God to be your true refuge?
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This is for You. I write today, because I am blown away by Your grace and love. I am overwhelmed by Your goodness to me even though I have let You down time after time. But I'm celebrating our 10th anniversary Lord. Do You remember? 10 years ago this year, You carried me out of the darkest depths my soul had ever been in. The accident on the highway that night was horrible, just as You know. I couldn't cope with the pain and for someone that was already drowning in her own misery, (a misery that stemmed from not knowing You intimately), the death of that young 19 year old boy that night would be my demise. But, it would also ultimately draw me closer to You! For months following the accident, whenever I closed my eyes, I would relive every detail over and over. I saw his face in my headlight, heard my gut wrenching screams. I would see the blood on the ground even though the rain was pouring from the dark sky, I would see the white sheet that covered this young person who was taken all too soon, and my heart would die a little with every passing memory. After 3 months, the pain was beginning to consume me entirely. My husband didn't know how to reach me and I was sinking further and further into nothingness. Things were at their worst that night as I laid in our living room, you know the night Lord. The night I was cradled in my husbands concerned arms and whispered "I can't, I don't want to breathe anymore! You were there, You saw me!! That night my husband cried..."please, don't say that...please" He held me so tight, but it was no use. I woke up the next morning and even though I was still breathing, I hated every second of it. I wanted so desperately for the pain to just swallow me up so that I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. I went to work and lived my life physically, but all joy was gone. The sadness was too great! I was in my own internal hell. Then, one day while I was driving home from work, somewhere in my thoughts, (it was You wasn't it Father?) it occurred to me to go and pray. Go, go pray!!! So almost as if my car was on autopilot I drove straight to the church where my husband and I were married just 8 months earlier. We were not church goers at the time, so our wedding was the only time I had ever spent in this church. Both my husband and I believed in you Lord, though my faith then was weak, and made weaker by what had happened. I was angry, angry about some of the things I'd already been through. Not just the accident, which was the catapult none the less, but other difficult things that had already happened throughout my young life. Desperately, I kept driving. When I arrived at the church, I remember gripping the steering wheel as the tears flowed. It was that intense pain that made me open the door and step out into the empty parking lot. I walked up to the door and with fear and sadness gripping me, I pulled on the handle. WHAT!!! "No!" I said out loud. It was locked.....I looked up to You, do you remember Lord? I looked up at You and said, 'Why, why when I have finally come to You, do You turn me away?" A river of tears rushed down my face. As I turned to walk back to my car feeling abandoned, the most amazing thing of all came into my view....the pastor, Pastor Rock, came driving into the parking lot! It wasn't until much later that I realized what a miracle that was. That You sent him there that day, just for me! You had known I'd be coming! So as he approached with a welcoming smile I said, "Sir, you probably don't remember me, but I was wondering if it would be okay if I went in and prayed, I really need to pray." He said of course. So there I was at church, all alone except for the pastor. I felt anxious because I was not used to that environment. I felt awkward, as if I were a stranger to You. It seemed so overwhelming, but I knew I had to talk to You Lord, and I'm not talking about the kind of prayer I used to do in my bed at night, but the kind of prayer that would move mountains. As I stood silently behind the last pew and stared up at the cross, I realized how badly I needed You. I walked up to the front and got down on knees and began to call out to You. I told You that my life was now in Your hands, that You MUST take it, because I was just making a mess of things and that this pain was too much for me to bear alone. I cried and sobbed for what seemed like an eternity. I remember staring at the cross through tear soaked eyes, asking You, no....begging You to take this pain from me. I love you Lord, I finally said. Please hear me! I got myself together and walked back to my car. That was all it took! May not seem like much to an outsider Lord, but between you and me, it was enough! Within days, I was able to smile. With in weeks, able to laugh. You lifted me up that night Lord, and held me in your arms and my feet have never touched the ground since. I surrendered....plain and simple, and because I did, You have healed me, wholly and completely. Through You I learned to NOT focus on the things in my life that have caused me pain, because my pain has always brought me growth. I learned to focus and be thankful for all the blessings You have given me, like my amazing husband and two wonderful boys. You taught me to let go of my anger and sadness and embrace joy. You taught me to live loved. You also taught me that only You can make something beautiful out of ashes. So thank you Father, Son and Spirit! Thank you for being the rock in me....my stronghold, my one true love! I love You always and forever!