pngcrazychic's Blog

For as long as I can remember my life has been centered on God and the church,

(But growing up as a missionary kid has a lot to do with that.)

I can remember going to Sunday school when I was 4 and learning about this person called Jesus and singing the song âJesus Loves meâ but I never really understood what

I was singing or learning about. Another thing I can remember is that when I was little I was deathly afraid of thunderstorms and I would wake-up in the middle of the night crying, one night after I woke up deathly afraid my mom told me that I could pray to God and ask him to help me not be afraid. She said that if I called out to God he would hear me no matter what. A few days latter in Sunday school I learned that I could have a personal relationship with Jesus, even though this didnât make any sense to me It sounded really cool so latter that day I asked my mom what I had learned and she went on to tell me how she became a Christian. Since I wanted to be just like my mom I did exactly what she didâ¦. I went into my clothes closet and asked Jesus into my heart. So a few days before I turned 5 I accepted Jesus into my heart and for many years after that I knew that He was in my heart but I didnât really have a personally relationship with him until I was 12. It began at a Sunday night worship service that the graduating seniors of our church held. For the first time in my life I felt like I was worshipping for a purpose and I felt like I was singing from my heart. Latter that night one of the guys shared something that really stuck with meâ¦I donât remember everything but the little part that I did changed my life forever! I donât know why I remembered this guys name but David Lohmeyer talked about how following Christ wasnât just a thing we did one day at week at church but that flowing Christ was a daily thing and that sometimes it may be hard it was rewarding in the end! At the end of the service there was a time when people could ask questions but I didnât have the gut to go up there so I didnât but I know a seed was planted at the service. A few months latter I went on a retreat with my youth group and the whole weekend it I felt like God was telling me he wanted a personal relationship with me. On the last night of the retreat my youth director had us stand in a circle under all the stars in the middle of now where and sing, âBetter is one dayâ. I donât really remember everything about that night but one line of the song stuck with meâ¦Better is one day in Your courts Than thousands elsewhere. In that moment I knew that life with out God just would work and that I wanted Him to be my life not just parts of my life. So on June 22, 2006 I gave my whole life to Jesus. When I look back on that night I think about everything I have gone through. The journey to where I am now has been long and hard and I have wondered what the purpose of all the pain I have gone through is for but I am learning that God gives us hard times to show us thingsâ¦. 6 months latter is when my faith really grew. Like I said I grew up as a Missionary kid. Anyway One day I came home from school and my parents said they had something they needed to tell me. They sat me down and said that in 2 months we were leaving Papua New Guinea so my sister could get help. I was not happy at all, I didnât want to leave everything I had known for so long and move to the unknownâ¦. my life was in Papua New Guinea not in America. So I reluctantly packed up and left my home in PNG and steeped into the unknownâ¦this past year has been the hardest year of my life, so far for many reason but somehow I know that this is all part of Godâs plan and I just have to have faith that this is for the good. So this year has been really hard but I have grew so so much, so all the pain has been worth it. So many times I have wanted to give up and not believe anymore but then God does something amazing, he picks me back up and I feel confident again. Not once Did God say He would make our lives easy, he never promised days with out pain or years with rain but He did promise He would never leave us. Now that I think about it I may miss my friends and my life I am learning to love my life in statesâ¦. even though I donât have my best friend with meâ¦. I can say that God is the only friend I really need and that he is the only friend that will never let me down. What more could I want?

So my point in all of this is that Jesus loves you. Like the song says, âThey are weak but He is strong.â He is strong enough to pick you up from even the deepest pit; He loves no matter where you are or what youâve doneâ¦. Being a Christian is all about faith, if you have faith as small as a mustard seedâ¦. you can move mountains!!!

Desprately I'm searching,

Searching in the dark,

trying hard to find it, trying hard to fix it,

but I don't know where to start.



Desprately I'm seachring,

Searching the corners of my mind,

Trying hard to find it, trying hard to fix it.

But I don't know where to start.



Where could it be? Where can I find it?

I'm starting to go crazy, I'm losing my mind.



I take a break to catch my breath, my feet are sore from running,

I sit in the dirt, and try to think. and again my hands start searching.

The ground is sharp and jagged, I can feel my fingers being scrapped.

What is keeping me in this place? why can't I see my Saviors face?



I'm trying hard to find it, trying hard to fix it,

but where on earth do I possibly start?



Desprately I'm seaching,

feeling through the dark,

trying hard to find it, trying hard to fix it.



Desprately I'm searching,

looking in my heart.

trying hard to find it, trying hard to fix it.



Where could it be? this thing thats keeping me...



I fall to my knees and begin to cry.

"Why, Oh why, must I stray tonight?

Help me God, please hear my cry.

Please remove the thorn from my eye"



I take a breath and begin to stand, slowly feeling hope.

Silly me he's been right here, he wouldn't think to leave me.

'I know he's there' I think to myself, 'but I still can't see his face, where is his hand that used to guide me?
have I done something wrong to make him leave me..." the end of the thought trails off with a scowl,

"Blast my stupid ignorance"




Scared by the thought of not having his hand, I start again on my desprate search.

Searching in the darkness,

trying hard to find it, trying hard to fix it.



Down on my knees I begin to weep, all trace of hope forgotten,

How did I get here? I feel forsaken, but I know he heard my cry.

Tired of searching, exhausted from crying



I give up on my desprate quest, I lay on my face and say a whispered prayer, that goes a little like this...



"Dear God in heaven, I know your there, and I know you care.

Please give me strength to stand up to this fear, let me see your face.

I long to see you Father God, The beauty of your power, I don't know how you do it,

How you could love us sinners.

I don't understand it, how you could do it, just give your life for me...it baffles me to know I'm loved

by someone as great as thee. I need you God, protect me now, and lift me from my knees,

Give me your strength, so that I might fight, against these chains that hold me.

I praise you God, You are my Lord, Forever, not just for the hour.

I praise you God, You are my Rock, Forever, not just tomorrow.

I praise you God, though you deserve so much better, but right now, I'm giving you my all.

I'm giving you my heart my life, but along with that my pain.

I hate that you should have to suffer, for one so small as me. But Thank you Lord, for blessing me,

I thank you God for thee, Thank you Friend, without you, Nothing else would matter.

Forgive me my sins, forgive me my troubles, I've doubted you and I've cursed tomorrow,

Forgive me Lord Jesus, forgive my stupid ignorance, forgive my foolish acts,

I come to you know, sincere and honest, needing your guidance, I give it to you now."



I open my eyes to realize, my weeping has now ended,

I look around and I am found! He's sitting next to me!
The darkness has recoiled! His light is all around!

He saved me from my suffering, the pit I dug so deep.



I stare in wonder as he picks me up from the muddy floor, and in his arms he carries me,

through my bedroom door.

As he walks he doesn't say much, just words of love and comfort, he doesn't tell me I'm a disaster.

or tell me I'm a scoundrel. He sits me down upon his lap, and reaches for a wet towel,

Gently he cleans my face and arms, and says "I'm sorry Child but its going to take a wee bit more than just a damp towel to remove these painful scars"

My down cast eyes are filled with tears, my heart is filled with sorrow.

"I'm so sorry Lord, I just-" He puts his finger to my lips, and shakes his head slowly a smile growing on his face.

"I love you" he says, as he places a band aid over my scratched up knee "Your forgiven, but have you learned to finally trust in me?"

I nod to him, and repeated to myself

"Blast my stupid ignorance..."



A soft and gentle chuckle came through his smiling lips. and then again he picked me up, and placed me in my bed.

He tucked me in with great care, and placed a soft kiss on the top of my head, and settled in to tell me a story about an ignorant sheep.

That once was lost but now is found. Was blind but now can see....

Desprately I'm searching,

Searching in the dark,

trying hard to find it, trying hard to fix it,

but I don't know where to start.



Desprately I'm seachring,

Searching the corners of my mind,

Trying hard to find it, trying hard to fix it.

But I don't know where to start.



Where could it be? Where can I find it?

I'm starting to go crazy, I'm losing my mind.



I take a break to catch my breath, my feet are sore from running,

I sit in the dirt, and try to think. and again my hands start searching.

The ground is sharp and jagged, I can feel my fingers being scrapped.

What is keeping me in this place? why can't I see my Saviors face?



I'm trying hard to find it, trying hard to fix it,

but where on earth do I possibly start?



Desprately I'm seaching,

feeling through the dark,

trying hard to find it, trying hard to fix it.



Desprately I'm searching,

looking in my heart.

trying hard to find it, trying hard to fix it.



Where could it be? this thing thats keeping me...



I fall to my knees and begin to cry.

"Why, Oh why, must I stray tonight?

Help me God, please hear my cry.

Please remove the thorn from my eye"



I take a breath and begin to stand, slowly feeling hope.

Silly me he's been right here, he wouldn't think to leave me.

'I know he's there' I think to myself, 'but I still can't see his face, where is his hand that used to guide me?
have I done something wrong to make him leave me..." the end of the thought trails off with a scowl,

"Blast my stupid ignorance"




Scared by the thought of not having his hand, I start again on my desprate search.

Searching in the darkness,

trying hard to find it, trying hard to fix it.



Down on my knees I begin to weep, all trace of hope forgotten,

How did I get here? I feel forsaken, but I know he heard my cry.

Tired of searching, exhausted from crying



I give up on my desprate quest, I lay on my face and say a whispered prayer, that goes a little like this...



"Dear God in heaven, I know your there, and I know you care.

Please give me strength to stand up to this fear, let me see your face.

I long to see you Father God, The beauty of your power, I don't know how you do it,

How you could love us sinners.

I don't understand it, how you could do it, just give your life for me...it baffles me to know I'm loved

by someone as great as thee. I need you God, protect me now, and lift me from my knees,

Give me your strength, so that I might fight, against these chains that hold me.

I praise you God, You are my Lord, Forever, not just for the hour.

I praise you God, You are my Rock, Forever, not just tomorrow.

I praise you God, though you deserve so much better, but right now, I'm giving you my all.

I'm giving you my heart my life, but along with that my pain.

I hate that you should have to suffer, for one so small as me. But Thank you Lord, for blessing me,

I thank you God for thee, Thank you Friend, without you, Nothing else would matter.

Forgive me my sins, forgive me my troubles, I've doubted you and I've cursed tomorrow,

Forgive me Lord Jesus, forgive my stupid ignorance, forgive my foolish acts,

I come to you know, sincere and honest, needing your guidance, I give it to you now."



I open my eyes to realize, my weeping has now ended,

I look around and I am found! He's sitting next to me!
The darkness has recoiled! His light is all around!

He saved me from my suffering, the pit I dug so deep.



I stare in wonder as he picks me up from the muddy floor, and in his arms he carries me,

through my bedroom door.

As he walks he doesn't say much, just words of love and comfort, he doesn't tell me I'm a disaster.

or tell me I'm a scoundrel. He sits me down upon his lap, and reaches for a wet towel,

Gently he cleans my face and arms, and says "I'm sorry Child but its going to take a wee bit more than just a damp towel to remove these painful scars"

My down cast eyes are filled with tears, my heart is filled with sorrow.

"I'm so sorry Lord, I just-" He puts his finger to my lips, and shakes his head slowly a smile growing on his face.

"I love you" he says, as he places a band aid over my scratched up knee "Your forgiven, but have you learned to finally trust in me?"

I nod to him, and repeated to myself

"Blast my stupid ignorance..."



A soft and gentle chuckle came through his smiling lips. and then again he picked me up, and placed me in my bed.

He tucked me in with great care, and placed a soft kiss on the top of my head, and settled in to tell me a story about an ignorant sheep.

That once was lost but now is found. Was blind but now can see....

Hi every body

I've just signed the ONE Declaration committing myself to help fight the emergency of global AIDS and extreme poverty.

I'm asking you to make that commitment, too, by adding your voice.

I think your name belongs on that declaration, too. You can put it there by visiting:

http://www.one.org/declare/

ONE is a new effort by Americans to rally Americans - one by one. So far, over two million have signed the declaration in support of a historic pact for compassion and justice to help the poorest people of the world.

Together as ONE we can make a difference!

Thanks!

Subject: Join me in fighting poverty!

Hi every body

I've just signed the ONE Declaration committing myself to help fight the emergency of global AIDS and extreme poverty.

I'm asking you to make that commitment, too, by adding your voice.

I think your name belongs on that declaration, too. You can put it there by visiting:

http://www.one.org/declare/

ONE is a new effort by Americans to rally Americans - one by one. So far, over two million have signed the declaration in support of a historic pact for compassion and justice to help the poorest people of the world.

Together as ONE we can make a difference!

Thanks!