Seasons of GriefAre you going through a season of grief where you are struggling to grieve?
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- Joined: October 01, 2010
- Last Visit Date: 2010-10-22T10:12:16
I am born again ~ I was raised Catholic and came from Scottish and French roots. My folks had 5 kids ~ Being the oldest (DOB 1-16-1957) meant lots of responsibility at an early age. We moved a lot since my father worked for the government. I remember parties at our house and lots of arguments too. I vowed ~ to never go there; There were two main lessons in our home: We go to church on Sunday ~ the rest of the time, "what you see here, what you hear here... it better stay here!" Sooooo..... I kept the family secrets and while I was at it... quite a plethora of my own secrets. Drinking and drugging became my favorite 'interests and hobbies'. After 1975, when I was on my own.... I landed a job in the Iron Mines of Northern Minnesota. I was the first female Maint. Mech. at our property. I LOVEDDDD my life ~ wild freedom ~ good paying job ~ working with men and all the sex, drugs and alcohol a girl could take! It wasnt too long... and I became aware that I was slowly dieing inside. Whenever I woke up in a strange place with a stranger... or my car wasn't where I expected it to be; I was horrified... and would 'wonder'... what I had done, who is this person beside me? What is wrong with me??? I began to feel a deep suffering and a self loathing that all of the devils vices could not numb anymore. I met Patrick in a bar ~ he was Catholic too ~ and he drank like me. Both our jobs failed in the mid 80's (times not unlike the current economy) so we decided to do a geographic and we moved to Colorado. Then I was alone, cut off from my 'friends' and my life became even blacker and lonlier. I took all of my anger (rage) and pain out on my common law husband. Only God knows why he hung in there with me.... but he did. In the end... I was arrested for domestic violence. I was at my bottom. God was holding me and I didn't have a clue that I was about to venture upon a new path... and the promise of an end to my suffering. In 1993 I began to hear Gods calling to me, through others and I finally became willing to listen. The Holy Father had been here in Denver that August. I felt the draw back to church... where they had a "Returning Catholics Class". I met a woman who had been sober for 12 years. At work, a new gal and me talked... she was sober for 14 years. God was telling me through these women, I needed to have "king alcohol" irradicated from my life. They told me and showed me how they had accomplished this feat! Alcohol had been my god ~ for 25 years. I was led to a 12 step recovery program and there the drink was removed from me. It took nearly a year for the 'desire' to leave me, but I did begin to search out God, however distant and punishing I mistakeingly perceived Him to be. I came to believe in the One True Ever~Living God that I had been introduced to as a very small child by my parents. God brought me back to my faith in the True Church + RCC + and my husband and me were able (after a time of repentence and penence, learning and patience, ego smashing and humility) to have our marriage blessed in the Church. What a joyous day that was.... although at the time, I had not a clue what a Christian Marriage truely was. We did a lot of things wrong... and we were deep in our sins... we continued to hurt one another and abandon the other... we would make up and split up, make threats and walk out, forgive and forsake. How many times in my mind and in my heart did I throw away this marriage...? And over and over again... would I take it back? God alone knows the number. Surrendering to God once more, I would ask for His help... usually after beating my head against another brick wall for days. Always going to God last, when all else had failed. + God was faithful... ever working within us, working in me and on my stubborn heart. It was incredibly painful! It was shear torture that I put me and my Beloved through ~ stumbling and falling daily, sometimes crawling on bloodied knees. But God carried us and loved us and changed our hearts. He spoke His word to us and he fed us by His Sacraments ~ He fed us with His flesh and His blood ~ real food. And we could not help but change. Today, we continue to grow in our faith ~ we now are within a new Community of The Neocatechumenal Way. Our community formed on November 1st 2008 ~ and we are learning to love more and we have a new family within this Catholic Fellowship ~ introduced 40 years ago ~ but only months old to us. God is so good to us... we have come from a terribly dysfunctional family, *each one selfishly self-centered only interested in having to be right and get our own self seeking ways met ~ to a new awareness for the other. God has worked our hearts and our minds and our wills and turned us back to His path and made us search out what His Will is for our lives and for our marriage. He is our food ~ He is our breath ~ He is our very life + without Him we are nothing......... but dirty rags. We humbly ask his forgiveness and we forgive one another + and He helps us to LOVE + There is no going back to the old life... we are with Him till the end... this is our Hope and this is our prayer. Give us a Christian Marriage, Lord ~ and help us to do your will always! + Maranatha +