The bridge never looked exactly the same, but it was always very rickety, made of old planks of wood and tattered rope, and was very high off of the ground. In every dream I would eventually come to the realization that I had to cross to the other side, and the idea was paralyzing to me. Many times I would begin to take the first step, but then find myself frozen in fear. Or I would take the first few steps, but then find that the bridge was falling apart before my eyes. The idea of swaying in mid air and not having my feet planted on solid ground was terrifying to me. I was always so relieved to wake up and find that I was in the comfort of my own warm bed.
Unfortunately, for several years of my life, fear didnât end when I woke up. It was just getting started. I was in the habit of letting my mind wander to all kinds of places a mind should never go, and I basically forfeited my peace in the process. Once I allowed fear to get cozy inside of me, it infected every area of my life. And for too long a season, it hindered me from answering Godâs call on my life.
Since I was about sixteen years old, the year I wrote my first song, I knew God wanted to use me in the area of worship. And even though I was a relatively confident person, I always felt extremely inadequate where music was concerned. In spite of my own hang-ups, God was so gracious to give me confirmation after confirmation, making it clear that this was the road I was supposed to takeâ¦but I consistently turned down opportunities to lead worship and basically determined that I never wanted to be anything other than a backup singer. After all, wasnât it noble of me to be perfectly content in so humble a position? Wasnât it a good thing that I was not looking for the spotlight?
As I started getting older and found a certain degree of comfort hiding behind the piano every Sunday, God started to reveal to me that my decision to stay in the background was not humility at all. It was fear disguised as humility.
After a life altering service one Saturday in October of 2003, I knew I had a decision to make. It was now or never. Was I willing to say yes to God, even though I felt like there were a million other people out there who could do it better than me? Was I willing to believe that God wasnât setting me up to fail? Was I willing to trust that where God guides, He also provides, and that He really would become strong in an area where I felt so weak? Was I willing to start taking steps down the walking bridge?
Suddenly it was all so clear. I never understood my bridge dream before, or even sought to understand it for some strange reason. But now it was obvious that the bridge represented my fear of the unknown. It represented being part of something that I could not control. It was my future, my call, my dreams. I knew in my gut that what was waiting for me on the other side would be well worth the shaky walk across. I had a sense that Godâs plans for my life were bigger than I had ever imagined, but I also knew that fulfilling those plans was going to require taking a risk. I had to decide whether I would take a leap of faith and trust God, or continue to stagnate at a place where I felt safe and comfortable.
Ultimately I did make the decision to say yes to Godâ¦and it is a gross understatement to say that it was the best decision Iâve ever made. My life has never been the same, and will never be the same. I am in absolute awe of how amazing God isâ¦.that he can take people like me, who understand their own limitations and are acutely aware of their weaknesses, and use them so far above and beyond their own natural abilityâ¦so much so that it becomes obvious to everyone watching that God is at the helm. He has provided every resource I have ever needed along the way to create and record my musicâ¦including musicians, money, connections, intercessors etc. He has equipped me with everything Iâve needed to lead His people into a deeper place of worship, and has given me a boldness and anointing that I never knew I could have. I realize now that He chose me, not in spite of my weakness, but because of my weakness, so that when He became strong in meâ¦I could never take the credit. He would always get the glory.
And the beauty of God is that He didnât ask me to do everything at once. If He did I probably would have been completely overwhelmed and given up before I started. Instead, in His gentleness, He asked me to take one step at a time. He challenged me to leave my comfort zone, and then He met me. And when I became comfortable at that level, He challenged me to go to the next level, until I got to the point where I barely recognized myself anymore. But really, it was never about me or my own goodness. I fall short every day. Itâs just about God using this little life to help others find their way to Him. Thatâs the bottom line.
If I could sum up everything Iâve learned in the last few years, it honestly just comes down to surrenderâ¦..that is, believing that God knows what Heâs doing and that He wants whatâs best for meâ¦.and in response to that, making the decision daily to yield my life completely to Himâ¦withholding nothing. Godâs character is not to over burden us with sacrifices that leave us feeling dry and deprived. He wants us to realize that we are only truly living when we are doing what we were created to do, and we can only get to that place when we discover a personal relationship with our Creatorâ¦.when we allow ourselves to be loved by Him. Itâs freeing to know that no âgood workâ that we do can earn us Godâs affection or make Him love us any more than He does right at this moment. And yet, once we experience His love, serving Him and serving others just seems to become second nature.
When your toes are on shallow ground at the edge of the water, itâs difficult to think about diving inâ¦especially when the waves are crashing down and the weather looks ominous. But just like Peter could walk on water as long as he kept his eyes on Jesus, we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength. Itâs only when we are willing to dive into the depths of Godâs waters and immerse ourselves in Him that we understand what it is to become weightless and free. We realize that all of the âfreedomsâ we once held onto with white knuckles were actually the very things that enslaved us. True and lasting freedom only comes with full surrenderâ¦.dying to self, and finding life.
So as you peruse this siteâ¦maybe listen to some music, read some lyricsâ¦I want to challenge you to ask God what it is He is calling you to do. Some of you may know already, and have been hesitant to start down the bridge. Others havenât even starting asking questions out of fear of what the answer may be. Whatever the case, I pray that God will speak very specifically to your heart and that you will find the courage to do what God has created you, and you alone, to do. I pray that you will realize that if God is calling you, He will make a way for you, even if the path is now unclear. Just take the first step, and watch what God will do.