Tender HeartsHow can we avoid being spiritually stubborn and unresponsive to God?
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- Joined: October 01, 2010
- Last Visit Date: 2010-10-01T15:39:26
I joined GodTube becaus I wanted to see the videos and hear the songs of the music I find most comforting to me. As well as I was looking for a special song to add to my boyfriends memorial page on gonetoosoon. He was the most wonderful person I had ever met in my lifetime. He was caring, loving, intelligent, nurturing, incredible, a son, a brother, a uncle, a friend,a best friend to many, a mentor, and most of all he was my partner in life. He battled dpression for many years of his life, I don't understand it. Probably never will. My words were to get over it and get on with your life. Lifes too short to be depressed and anyway why make life any harder than it already is. My boyfriend left one morning telling me he would be back in 1 hour with a wave goodbye as he pulled out the driveway. No kiss to remember only his face, his wave, and his words. I didn't suspect until the officer walked up the driveway while I paced waiting for him to return unpatiently. I spent the last three hours cooking his favorite foods. Knowing the joy and comfort he would have in them. The officer asked me if Steve was at home, I said "no" asking "why?" Little did I know what he was planning in his mind. The voices he listened to in his head. The voices that I so often dismissed, thinking to myself he's strong and intelligent. He is jsut talking to himself. Those voices he listened to and answered back to had finally won their battle within him. Now very evident of the power the voices hold within the mind. The officer said, "He had stolen a gun from a shooting range" and he "needed to know if I knew where Steve would go or where he could be found?" At that point I knew he must be stopped immediately before he killed himself. He had just tried 56 days before to take his dads gun. We got him to the hoospital and he talked to a counselor and received medication. I had hope at that time. He also promised me, as we stood outside smoking a ciggarette, waiting for his turn to see the Doctor, that he would not try to kill himself after I asked him why he took the gun from his parents. He told me at that time "he felt like he was a failure and a disgrace for his parents and me and he just wanted it to end." I told him "he never is a failure, nor a disgrace and how much I loved him and how much his parents loved him and how much we all needed him." I made him promise me he would never try to kill himself again. I held him to his promise. He had never lied to me before and he never broke a promise. I knew his word was his word. After he walked out of the Doctors office, I remember thinking, "why didn't the counselor keep him and admit him to the hospital." Steve had went in alone, while his parents and I sat in the waiting lounge. within 10 to 15 minutes he walskt owards us with prescriptions in hand. I knew he had not been totally honest with the Doctor, telling him his thoughts of suicide. If he had been, He would have been admitted into the hospital watched for safety not to harm himself. I frantically started to cry and expressed how important they find him. I said "He had just recently tried to take a gun grom his fathers a few days back and I told the officer how his parents and I talked him into going to talk to a Doctor, getting the medications and the medical help needed to stop the voices, as well as,helping him to recover from his deep depression that he had been drawn into after months of not wot working.and help him recover from his depression. My mind raced to think of all his friends and how to find their numbers and finding a picture so the officer knew what steve looked like as of recent as the drivers lisence he left behind was many years back and not what he looked like today. I thought to myself and told the officer of "the voices Steve had been listening to and answering." How he had recently been in the hospital. Along with the most recent visit to the Doctors visit at the psyciatric hospital downtown. I told him what "the voices were saying to Steve and explained how he "was fighting them" back by "telling me he loved me enough to be here tomorrow." I told him "He's not a bad person, Please don't hurt him. He only needs to be helped." The young officer said "thats what I am here for to help him, I don't plan on hurting him only finding him before he hurts himself or someone else. I will get him the help he needs." I prayed and I prayed for God to "keep him safe" and "not let harm come to him." I said "I am not strong enough to go through this" I must of prayed the wrong prayer or God must have been extrememly busy that day helping others because my prayer, I later found that evening, went unanswered in a way that I had not hoped. I gave the officer every number I could find, of his friends, listened while the officer dialed every number either talking to them or leaving a message for them to return the call. I listened while the office rcalled his parents and left a number for them to return his call as soon as possible. I gave him a picture of what Steve looked like and expressed how important it was that he bring it back. I knew Steve would be upset with me for giving the officer the picture. I knew that I must have that picture back before Steve comes home. I also knew at that point, as I watched the officer drive away with his picture that he Steve mut be found immediately before he uses that gun on himself. I realized his promise and held hope to it. I also knew and lived his pain and anguish everyday for the last six years together. At times so emotional. I knew what his mind had been telling him for weeks now. I feared those voices in his head that I couldn't understand had finally won their battle with him. He had always won the voices over by telling me " I love you enough today to be with you tomorrow." Why didn't he stay home and we drive to the mountains? What was so important that he tried so hard to leave the house alone for since the night before. What was so important that, he left the house without a kiss, a touch, a note anything except for the way he ran from the house. I called his parents over and over without any luck as we were to be with them that weekend away from the valley. I had went early the day before expecting them to be there as Steve had been spending his the last of that week in the comfort of their home. I drove back to the valley after talking to him as he told me his parents dropped him off at our home so we could drive up together. He told me to "tell them hi." He said they should be there by now. When I returned home, it was obvious Steve feelings of depression and guilt, his thinking he was useless and a failure. I told him "your not a failure, just a pain in the butt at times. He tried frantically to get the car keys and leave. I refused, finally he said you cvover the back plants, i'll cover the front plants and then we'll leave. I agreed. Finishing, I walked out front and yo and behold, he had taken off in the car. Returning a couple hours later. We decided to stay home that evening. relax, get up early the next morning and head to the rim to finish the weekend with his parents. I would not allow him to leave without me anywhere that afternoon or night as every excuse he used. I said, "We can stop on the way to your parents. There is no need to drive out of our way right now." The morning we were to drive to the mountains, the day he stole a gun, the day the voices won his mind over, the day of his suicide, the last day I saw him, or heard his voice, he was up and out that door before I opened my eyes, It's when I heard the door shut I jumped and ran to the door. Little did I know, It was to late for me to help him any longer. as I said, he was backing out of the driveway, with one hand out the window waving bye, a smile on his face and his last words saying " I'll be back in one hour." I called his sister who later got ahold of his parents. The police now involved also talking back and forth between his sister and their parents. His parens after leaving a movie thay had went to watch were now heading back to the valley to sign papers to have Steve commited to the hospital for treatment and help. For an instant, I was relieved, I thought finally Steve is going to get the help he so desperately needs. The system had failed him over and over so many times. He reached out so many times before. Then the moment hat changed my life forever, His sister called and said " Mom and dad are on their way to yours and Steves house to meet the police and talk with you and them." I started to cry. I knew it was bad. I thought they shot him because he wouldn't surrender to them. She asked me " Robin, What is it.? what are you thinking?" I told her my thoughts and she said "We have to have hope and not to think things like that. " The police would not ask to speak to you and my parents at the home if they hadn't fond him." I heard her say as I wimpered, "He's dead." Thats the only reason they are coming here. I heard the car door shut and told her I have to go they're here. I listened as she saidf "No. don't hang up, I want to hear what they have to say." I knew she should not have to hear the news over the phone from an officer. I hung up the phone answering the door. I thought the officer was abrupt and rude in his words. He kept saying "wouldn't you want your loved ones last day on earth to be one that they planned?" "No." I answered back and kept repeating. "Where was Steve's favorite place to go?" He asked. "I don't know" I answered. "What was his favorite type of beer to drink?" he asked. "I don't know, Bud Light" thinking out loud I said. "What were his favorite type of cigareetes to smoke?" He asked. "I don't know. Marlborough Lights" again thinking out loud. "No" he said. "Marlborough Reds. His favorite beer was Budweiser. It only took three beers for him to decide to end his life out atop the mountain at Butcher Jones" He went on to tell the story of "how they saw him, thinking to, themselves it was awkward for him to be atop the mountain in my car. How he was walking around the car with a beer in hand, as though he was thinking or pondering." "It didn't look like he was in harms way just out having a beer or two and since the automobile we had been looking for looked like your car except the facvt that your car has no sunroof and the car we were searching for had a sunroof we continued to fly around the mountain." "We hadn't receieved the bulletin that Steve was an endangerment to himself at that time." "Later, after the call came in that, a man had shot himself, found by two people riding their quads out at Butcher Jones. did we realize, this was the man that we had just recently received the bulletin on. Steve left our home around 930am Sunday morning December 30th, 2007. The officer sat outside our driveway down the street watching me pace up and down the driveway, cussing out loud and swinging my arms as though in anger, because I was angered, at 1:00pm. The officer on site said it was around 1:00 pm when him and his partner saw Steve walking around the car while hovering above in a helicopter. He continued to say he recieved the bulletin on Steve around 2:30 or 3:00. At 4:00 pm, he said the call came in of a man found shot to death at Butcher Jones. He told me as I cried "Steve died of a self inflicted gunshot wound." I am now a survivor of suicide not by choice and I would have spent an entire day and days if needed to prevent my boyfriend from this tragedy.