Clueless at the LightWhat would others say about my influence on them?
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Dear everyone, My choosen name on this site is Hope. I am 24 years old, living in Holland. Every sunday I try to watch Hour of Power. They talked over there about Godtube and here I am. Reason for being here? Looking for friends, looking for believers, looking for support. Why? Nobody's life goes over roses (Dutch expression), but mine has been totaly absurd. Everything happens for some reason I believe, but now my life stands still. I have a one year-old son; his name is Lucas which means 'the light giving'. And yes: he sure is. The light in my life. The reason for not givin' up. Also my believe in God. When I was pregnant my husband beat me up while I was pregnant of Lucas. I ran away and never turned back. Once when my husband had beaten me up earlier, I prayed to God if He wanted to end the hell in which I was livin'. A hell in wich boose, using all kind of drugs, violence, listening to mean words against me became normal. At this time It feels like I have lived with the devil himself. Every time I was full of foregivenis towards my husband, but than he attacked my unborn son too. He beat me didn't stop and stamped me in my belly too that evening. Instead of picking up the babyroom of the store! I decided to ran away. I closed the door behind me and made the promiss to myselff and my son never to go back to that strange person. I went back to my parents and they took me in as in the story of the lost son in the bible. After a couple of weeks I gave birth to my son Lucas. I read the bible again, like I was learned to do in my youth. At that time I read the words of Psalm 23: The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not fear. I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures He leads me beside still waters. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. And I shall dwell in hte house of the lord forever After I gave birth to my son I took him out for a little walk, a week later.. But when I was outsite I noticed that my legs didn't work like they normaly did. I went back home. One week later I was paralized at one site! Luckely I can walk a little again, Not as good as I was used to, But thank God I can walk again. My mother kissed my toos when I was able too move them again! The doctors told me few months later I am suffering of MS: multiple scleroses. It didn't stop me from picking up my study after a year of rest in home. I was learning to become a teacher on a primary school. Last three months I was learning again, trying to find out if it was still posible for me to be a teacher. This week I came to the conclusion that it was much too much to cope it all in the cl$%$ on a regular school. I hadve to give up my dream! After a couple of hours in the morning my concentration is gone. I can't walk without a stick anymore and within a year I own a whole garage off goods wich help me to move myself when I want to go to the city for example to buy some goods and stuff. In the past year I learned a lot of myself. I don't give up that soon. I want the best for my son. All of my troubles in the past years have bring me much closer to God in the first place. But also to my family, that keep loving me although I made some stuped choises in jmy life. At this moment my whole life is standing up site down. I'm officialy divorced of my ex-husband. The last thing I had of 'my old life' was my view on a life as a teacher. This week I stopped at school. I couldn't bring up the energy to go to school anymore. That means that I must begin all over. I don't know how yet, but I HOPE that God has a bigger plan for me and my son. God is a God of love. That's what I keep believing. These days I'm resting, trying to find out how to live with my illness at best and for the first time in my life I listen to my own body, thoughts and needs. My mind and body needs rest in the first time. I gave it all trying to get all my exams, but it doesn't work that way anymore. These days I look at the sun when it's shining, knowing that there is a God who is watchhing over me and looking after us. A God that never stops loving you. Every evening I read in my bible. Every day I am praying for courage, strenght and wishdom to help me through life. I'm sure God has a beautiful plan with me. He already made me a mother of a wonderfull and healthy son. I ask God if he will find his way to Him later also. I know I can trust God. He knows what is good for me. At this moment I really don't know how my life looks like over a few hours, days, weeks or years. But above all I'll stay strong and keep hoping for a beatiful future.. a life in which I can help people to trust in God, always stay positive and never to give up, but always to keep HOPE on better life, when life not turns out to be as shining as you wished it was. Psalm 23 Hourofpower.com God loves you and so do I