Clueless at the LightWhat would others say about my influence on them?
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I guess I'll start by saying I pretty much grew up in church, but I never really had a relationship with God. See i grew up in a very strct legalistic pentecostal church, where woman werent allowed to where make-up and could only wear skirts, where i would constantly hear critizing of other churches that werent exactly like the one i attended, where if you didnt speak in tongues or get feel with the holy spirit something was wrong with you, where everyone would critize each other left and right, well im sure you get the idea. all this had an affect on me and made me question God like "God, why cant i wear pants when i feel more comfortable in them" "God, why is the pastor shouting out from the pulpit what brother Steven did, if he repented of that why does he have to be humilated in front of the congregation" and i asked so many other questions too, know that i look back it was so awful, i lived in constant fear that if i screwed up or if i wore pants even for gym class and that any lil thing were going to be blasted from the pulpit. I thank god so much that he took my family and I from that place, see my father wasnt christian but when he gave his life to Christ when i was 16 he wanted us all to go to a different church and start fresh as a new family i a new church, and booy i am for ever thankful of that, he ended up choosing a more liberal church which of course since i was brainwashed i was not in agreement of this church, i remember my first day there, me with my pentecostal skirt in a church were women wore pants, i thought man im gonna go to hell if i stay here, but little by little i started seening the difference, of how these people were more loving towards each other and how they were more welcoming towards visitors, and they didnt go critizing what others were wearing, its like you were welcomed and accepted as you were. Little by little I started wearing pants, putting on some lipstick, I remember wanting to actually invite my friends to come over to my church i was proud of it no longer scared to invite my friends over to the church, it took a long time for my mind to be freed from that legalistic spirit, but i can say thank you Jesus today I am free of it free to be me and still feel loved By God. Know Im sure you are wondering how i ended up being goth, well ive always been drawn to the goth lifestyle, but I remember rebuking myself for even thinking about desiring to be like that, for many many years I denied myself to be like that but in my a small corner in my heart locked away there was that desire, see Ive never really fit in with the normals, yes i made myself try to fit in and accomplished it many times, but it wasnt who i was, my way of thinking, the way i saw life, the way i wanted to dress wasnt like the others so i would by myself things that were more acceptable and even then i would be things and people would look at me funny, i always felt different then them even in my on family like for example during family reunions when there were like 50 or more family members around me i couldnt see myself really relating to any of them but i always put a facade just so i wouldnt be a total outcast. my relationship with God has grown stronger with time, but there has been times when i would be weak and not be as i should with the Lord, but i dont complete ever give up, i try to always hang on even when i might not have been doing the right things I still hanged on to my Savior. So I would say the last two years i have finally started opening up that side of me that was locked away for so long im still not completely the way i would like to be but ive started to, and i feel better to be able to see the that side of me ive always denied and you know what God still loves me just the same. So I ask before you critize me check the site christiangoth.com completely, and you will see that we love The Lord just the same and want to do things for Him just like other christians, I think God made different types of christian for a reason, see he needs goths, who better to be able to reach those lost goths out there then a christian goth, same goes for a conservative person, who better to reach that person then i conservative christian, all different types of christians are needed in this world because we live in a world with so many different types of people. So with this i will end, I love the Lord my God and Savior and I love you all too, I don't judge others, so if you want a friend who will accept you no matter who you are, send me a invite I'll be your friend :)