atislem's Blog

I feel as though I have come full circle, spiritually speaking. What do I mean by that? Well, there was a moment in my life when I became aware that God was real, that He was nothing like I thought, that He wasnt simply in religious things, not even was He only in the everyday of life, but God made Himself real and personal to me right in the middle of a life in a giant mess that came directly as a result of some stupid and horrible choices. In other words every aspect of the way that God had been presented to me or that I, myself had perceived Him to be, was blown right out of the water.

Suddenly aware that I was not only fully accepted but really loved at my most helpless and desperate, I was naturally compelled to seek others who knew what I now knew. Im serious, there was a very real and exciting compulsion to throw open every single church door and scream at the top of my lungs ....I can come in now! I belong. Im one of you! I know what you know!... Call it desperate to be accepted, a desire to fit in,
eagerness to belong, and reverence for those who were much more experienced, I learned to settle down, tone down the excitement, love sensibly, scrutinize and analyze my own and everyone elses actions, thoughts and motivations with 'discernment' Good grief, what a complicated headache, I thought. Jesus said 'I come to give life to the fullest.' Was this really what He meant?

When I look back over the years, it was as if while learning to fit in there was this vague memory that something overwhelmingly huge had happened in a moment of misery and hopelessness. Life had spiraled to the point where there was no possibility of presenting myself as a good person. Seeing no way out of the trap of addiction and despair, death seemed more appealing than living what life had become. Only at the
same time, someone had been sharing Jesus Christ. 'No thanks,' I told him at the time, but now, life was out of control. I needed something, yet there was nothing else left. Crying out to Him changed everything. There was a very real awareness of God right there, in the middle of my mess and yet, the sense of His tenderness and love for me was a stunning contradiction to every thought IÃÃâd ever had about the God of the Universe.

Maybe in a need for structure after a chaotic out-of-control life, I spent the next few years conforming to the church system, only there was always this sense of that truth about God that I knew first hand; He pursues and comes into the dirt of life. Hes not just in the church services, praise choruses and bible studies. Hes not even contained in all our best efforts to mandate Christian values or talk and walk like a good Christian. This God was much, much bigger, and more love than we could ever concieve or what we were settling for. Thus began this cycle of glimpses and revelations of His wild and extravagant love which mostly clashes with the prudence and sensibility of the system.

Frankly, I think it was that ever-awareness yet inability to communicate, that God was incredibly unafraid of fractured lives and in fact seemed to delight in those who are the most helpless, that motivated most of that feeling of bucking of the system. I believed there was rebelliousness spirit or something deep inside that had to be controlled. But, it wasnt a rebellious heart at all, but a vague knowledge of certainty and desperate need to go back to the God Who poured out His love without condition. God, Who with arms open wide in Christ, that miserably glorious night had set me free. Completely free! With no strings attached. I just wasnt confident enough in Him to trust that without submitting to the multitudes of experts. He said in Jeremiah 31 & Hebrews 8 (now don't get this confused with encouraging, sharing and discipling others, rather God, in these verses is talking about lording over others and setting up religious heirarchy...Jesus clearly stated that's the way the world system works, but not so in this new Spiritual Kingdom that He established where the master serves the student) Jer 31:33 In that day...we would no longer need people to teach us, but through the Holy Spirit, we would all know Him, personally and intimately. The word...know..in that sentence is translated ..know.. as in - marriage -as a man
..knows...a woman. In that day, He foretold, I (God) will put a New Heart and a New Spirit in them and I will forgive ALL their iniquities, transgressions, (consequences) and remember their sins NO MORE!!

In this world we will have tribulation, Jesus says, but take heart, for I have overcome the world! Its finished! Its Done! He did it! And what do you and I do??? NOTHING! We simply lay our busy self down at His feet, accept His love and say thank you

John 3:16,17 For God so greatly loved and dearly prized the
world that he even gave up His only begotten (unique) Son, so
that whoever believes in, trusts in, clings to, relies on Him shall
not perish (come to destruction or be lost) but have eternal life.
For God did not send the Son into the world in order to judge, to
reject, to condemn, to pass sentence on the world, but that the
world might find salvation and be made safe and sound through
Him.

I love this verse from the amplified version, which is so much richer than many of our translations. It couldn't be said better; I've come full circle and realize that moment of awareness of the reality of God, I was safe & sound. Confident in WHO HE is and what HE has Done and not in my own behavior is the truth. It does set us free! Free from what? Free of that self-focused, self-analyzing, self-consumed, never ending worry over our own journey to heaven...He's got it covered! That's HOME and there's no place like it!