Day 8.
Written by Jennschem
Posted on Tuesday, April 29, 2008 at 02:28 PM.
Today, Dear beloved reader, I'm not sure what I'm writing about. I've fallen asleep spiritually - a huge gap of unknown time fell between this chapter and the last one you read. Depression set in and quite a few truly awful things started up, not in my circumstances, but in my soul.
But something click in me, today (or the day I will be writing this.) I still feel as if I'm in a daze, walking through life on the road of apathy and exhaustion, but today I was talking to an amazing friend of mine, Chris Hammond. Something, something, about even talking to Chris opens up my heart and soul to spiritual truths and revelations. Chris is a friend, a person, a human, yet He has Jesus Christ within Him and an amazing anointing upon Him from the Holy Spirit. Jesus Christ speaks through him simply being in my presence, Chris doesn't even say anything. I'll be with Chris, I'll say something and be shocked at what I said, because it's truth revealed through the spirit, not even truly my own words!
Thank you Jesus Christ for a friend like Chris.
Today, where this is all leading too, is storms. Our life's storms and battles. When we feel insane. When we have a literal war waging inside of us. When we've almost dropped dead from a sudden or gradual, extreme and unexpected attack..
Here and now. You are not insane my dear dear beloved sibling in Christ. My God, I love you, if you are going through a time when you think you can't go any further, please, please, please know:
This storm, it's been brewing behind the mountain for quite some time. It has finally surpassed the strength you thought you had, and is now dumping down, making you cry out like the disciples in the storm while Jesus was sleeping: "Lord don't you even care that we are about to drown?!" O, O Dear Child. Precious One of God, He cares. This storm has been there the whole time, and this storm will make you stronger. But don't jump out of the boat were Jesus is able to hold you. Stay, even when you hate Him who loves you, "Please, baby, stay." You will see someday, so stay.
I'm going to relate to you, my reader, some of what I've been going through and really still am. I want you to know of the hope there is!
I'm not sure how long ago all this started, I mean I literally have no idea. I'll say maybe a month and a half agoâ I started fasting to pull closer to God. Well Satan, like with Jesus in the desert, decided, "Now, in her time, in God's time of strength, I will strike her heal while she least expects it."
That he did. I can't even remember why or how this all started, but I, because of extreme loneliness and (to find out later) also because of an extremely low, devastated self-esteem.... I cut myself. In fact I'm still struggling with itâ It's not something easily overcome.
Fine, label me. Emo. Sinner. Satanic. I know I'll be chewed up and spit out for admitting how utterly human and sinful I am- but what can I tell you other than the truth? Every time I did it/do it I felt/feel so so much worse.
So why did I do it yall? Why?
The battle of flesh and spirit. I can sense it, hear it- each one a completely, entirely different creature within me, and its the same with all of us. You may not feel it, but its there.
Evil me says, "Do it, duh. It feels good. Makes you feel beautiful in a demented way, and aside from that you deserve pain. You're fat, you're ugly, you're so evil, so dirty. I hate you."
Good me is drowned out though I can feel her screaming in the shadows, "Stop!" âShe's arguing logic and truth against it, but its all muffled out by evil me, clasping her wicked hand over good-me's mouth.
So I do it, but then it seems that "good-me" gets the cut- a wound she didn't deserve. She asks me, "Why? Why Jenn? Just Why?"
This spiritual battle is so potent, so real, so indescribably hard to deal with, and it makes it so hard to us to figure out who we really are.
Romans 7:15 & 21-25
"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do, but what I hate I do."
"So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!"
An amazing verse completely showing how our minds seem to operateâ but lets read the next verse. Romans 8:1-3
"Therefore there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of a sinful man to be a sin offering."
Ultimately, love, we will come out of this battle victorious! We will arise out of the dust and shake it from our bodies. We will come out!
I don't know what sort of battle or what sort of storm your in, but we stand already rescued because we are in Jesus' boat! When the waves are crashing in and the lightning strikes, when the boat beneath you is sinking, remember that Jesus is in your boat. He will not and has never forgotten you. He's in love with you! You invade His dreams at night, you leave Him in love-sick pain when you are hurting and doubt what He has done for you! When we doubt that He even CARES! Oh baby, He loves you so much, He is weeping and holding you when you weep and need to be held. Don't shove away His hand, He's begging to be in Your boat, holding you close.
When this storm passes, you will dance again.
